my ironic Great God experience

There are things beyond our control, even when we have prepared well and studied every detail in such obsessive compulsiveness.  Perhaps frustration springs from high expectations from oneself and overconfidence.

This truth I have to accept:  My God is greater than all the experts' powers combined.    After all, the talents we possess are from Him.  I worked with really great professionals in the events field and yet, in just one snap, everything turned out different from what I envisioned it to be.

I learned it the hard way.  I was made to realize this fact in a way that I'd really dwell on the frustration, with guilt hitting me for hurting some people along the way.  Maybe I've gone overboard.  I have been so focused on excellence in my output that I forgot that the best way to proclaim His greatness is through the kind of relationship I had with my team.  Did I become Christ to them during the event?  Or was I the wicked little devil manning the booth with my dirty hands and heart?  

With this, I am deeply sorry.  I may have the best intentions, or the most qualified reasons but the way I had behaved is not excusable.  I just pray that someday, these people I've hurt will realize that I don't intend to demean them.  Those fits are pure work.

How does the Great God enter the picture?  It is when I realized I was wrong, I know I can still make up for those transgressions.  After all, my God is a God of second chances. I may not handle the same event and the same team again but I know I can still channel Christ through my daily activities, words, thoughts and deeds.  

Also, I was made to realize that God was in my life all along though the bountiful blessings He has showered me.  I was taken out of my comfort zone to realize that I was richly blessed with a comfortable life, a good career, sets of great friends, a supportive family and a well-provided life.   Now with this experience, I begin to appreciate the life in front of me deeper and thus, I need to share more with the people around me.

And because I have a Great God, I know that tomorrow will be a better day.  I need not look back.

Happy Hearts

Today we celebrate Valentines Day.  Instead of being bitter and sad because I have no special someone to spend it with, I am excited.  I take this day a chance to examine the posture of my heart.  Instead of frowning upon seeing lovebirds so sweet to other, I relish this day to enjoy singlehood the best way I can. I take it as a blessing, being open to so may possibilities life has to offer.  Being unattached makes me see the best in everyone, not limiting myself to see only the one I'm with as the best.  Thus, I realize that I am surrounded by these beautiful people: caring, generous, understanding and really God-fearing friends I can treasure for life. Among these friends I can perhaps pick out the one, and who knows, maybe he's the one the Lord has been saving for me, and preparing me for.  In the first place, I prefer my future partner to be a real deal of a friend, someone I can have great conversations and adventures with, someone with whom I can share the same passions, support the same causes, and believe and serve the same God.

I know it will be a long and hard process of discerning who is the best partner for me, but with deep prayers and some hard work and patience, I will be led to the one person I deserve, and deserves all my love.

Happy hearts' day everyone.

Springtime

Very apt for what I am feeling right now.  After so many months of contemplating (and some whining in between), I know I have found peace and confidence to face the world again.  The Lord has been so merciful to me that in my journey towards healing, I feel His presence closer and closer each day.

How can I best describe this feeling?  It's really like springtime.  After the autumn and fall in my life , I was shown a multitude of options. And this openness to change has led to where I am now.  I found new friends, some even became my closest and I am sure will stay with me for the rest of my life.  I feel I have attracted the things I pray for. Now, with more time in my hands, I can reconnect with old passions and explore new ones.

Most important of all, I am very much thankful for all the undeserved blessings I received:  finding great business partners, supportive family and a budding love interest.

Indeed, I am richly blessed that I must pay it forward. My only prayer now is that others may see God's greatness through the wonders He's done in my life, being with me during my lowest through the struggles until I reached total healing.

Prayer of Sacrifice

Lord of the Holy Sacrifice, your saving oblation on the cross has given me new life. May I always recall your holy sacrifice on the cross and do it in remembrance of you. When tempted by selfishness, inspire me to be taken as an unworthy sacrifice. When burdened by envy, let me become an instrument of blessing for others. When afflicted by anger and pride, grant me the humility to be broken and given for others. When unsettled by anguish and troubled by worries, give me encouragement.

May your Spirit move my heart to see in your outstretched arms your loving embrace of everyone that I, too, may welcome others with the same love in an open hand. Teach my mind and direct my will to humbly endure the pain of undeserved suffering even when my intent was good and done what is right. May I understand that it is in the holy sacrifice of your wounds that my brokenness is healed. May I see in your sacrifice on the cross not only death and defeat but victory and life.

Loving Father, may the holy sacrifice of your Son cleanse my soul, strengthen my heart, pardon my past and restore me in your peace. May I always adore you by uniting myself in His holy sacrifice, the sacrament of your divine love. May I learn to sacrifice my own comfort, plans and dreams if it is not for your glory and the good of others.

With Mary, the mother of Jesus, who joined her heart with the sacrifice of her Son, may I become a holy sacrifice of love and service for others. Gathered around the altar of love, may all be united in listening to your word and sharing the one bread and cup and become one people, offering one holy sacrifice. Amen.

Fr. Raymond Arre
Parish of the Holy Sacrifice
University of the Philippines
Solemnity of Corpus Christi
June 18, 2006

confession

Here's my journey to healing and moving on:

After almost a year, I still can't say I have moved on quite well.  There are moments I would feel so alone even if surrounded by so many people.  But in this journey towards complete healing, I am more than grateful to my friends who've been with me since the day they first learned of what I'm going through.

I would have some lapses.  Sometimes I'd say I'm ok but my heart is telling me the opposite.  Sometimes it's very hard to pretend that such heartbreak has no impact in my life, when in truth it has.  It has changed who I am, and I'd like to note only the positive changes.  It has made me stronger,wiser and more sure of what and who I want in lofe.

No devastation can change the things I value much.  Not because I am single, I am desperately seeking someone to be with.

And not because I did not end up with the person I've been loving for half my life means I can't love again.

I've been trying to be open and see the goodness in each person I encounter.  I'd like to give every potential a fair chance.  But for as long as you are there and I know you are going through the same turmoil as I am, I can't move on, guilt hitting me harder.  I wish one day I'd just go numb of your presence, because knowing you're virtually there, just a buzz apart, doesn't help at all.

Why am I still affected of your existence?  Maybe because at the back of my mind I know that it will always be you I wish to be with for the rest of my life.